


You Two Are Assholes

by Alyaludi



Series: You Two Are Assholes [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Artificial Intelligence Program Theta (Mentioned), Discussions of Masturbation, Gen, Slightly Warped Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 20:08:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5469395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyaludi/pseuds/Alyaludi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wash does not agree to this, and he still doesn't know what happened to Georgia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Two Are Assholes

**Author's Note:**

> There's a little bit of timeline fuckery in that there are references to things that don't canonically fit with CT still being around, but I don't care. Not one little bit.
> 
> Love/blame goes to Py, who knows why.

“It does not!” Wash protests. “Wait, does it?”

“I dunno, man, I mean, with Georgia it seemed like I was always walkin’ in on him those last few weeks before… you know.”

“No I do--”

“York,” Carolina cuts Wash off. Because she has no time for their shenanigans, and not because she enjoys seeing how long the Georgia jokes can go before Wash corners someone where they can’t deflect. “What nonsense are you spreading now?”

“It’s not nonsense! It’s a proven scientific phenomenon that higher frequency of masturbation leads to decreased levels of aggression. It stands to reason that’d make you a worse soldier, so I was just… giving the kid some advice.”

“Is this sexual harassment?” North muses. “Or does that only start when he tells Wash to let him watch?”

“Hey! I’m trying to assist a teammate, give a little Veteran’s advice--”

“I don’t know,” Carolina says. “Your scores on the last round of CQC say you could do with a little abstinence yourself, York.”

York gapes. Everyone else grins, except Wash, who looks uncomfortable.

“Whoa there,” York finally starts to counter-attack, but Carolina’s too quick for him.

“Does it only apply to masturbation, or to orgasms in general?”

“I don’t mean to interrupt, but it seems like the person with the most information of top rankings and their private habits could do a lot to clear this up.” Connie startles Wash because she sneaks for no goddamn reason as she settles at North's other side with a tray.

“I’d need better parameters, though. Does the type of sex act influence the… aggression… released?” Carolina’s grinning at York, who so far retains his poleaxed expression. “And maybe natural baseline counts for something in terms of its effect on combat scores, after all.”

“Does knowing too much about your boss’s sex life count as sexual harassment?” Wash asks North desperately.

“I must say, Agent Carolina, your emphasis on precision and consideration of variables is most impressive. I was not aware of your bent for scientific analysis.” Delta has probably been there all along, disapproving silently of York’s blatant misuse of scientific ethos in service of what he insists are ‘harmless jokes, lighten up.’ 

“What can I say, my Dad’s a scientist. Do we need to account for quality of orgasms, or quantity? Should there be a baseline per individual?”

“I am so glad Theta isn’t here right now. He doesn’t need to know words like ‘orgasms.’”

“I assure you, Agent North Dakota, Theta’s lexicon undoubtedly contains--”

“ _I_ didn’t need to hear them discussed _while I’m eating!_ By my _boss!_ ” Wash moans quietly.

“Not the point, Delta, and call me--”

“In answer to your question, Agent Carolina, current rankings can most likely be assumed to represent… performance… as correlated with the typical frequency of masturbation. It also seems intrusive to demand reports. The most efficient means of acquiring additional data points seems--”

“D’you think you should maybe run this by the councilor first?” York finally cuts in, desperate. “I mean, Wash maybe, but you hardly need more aggres-- I mean, higher performance--”

“--to alter the parameter of sexual activity and assess the impact on scores, good plan, D.”

Connie leans around behind North, forcing Wash to bend towards her and letting North hear too. “Is anyone else noticing Delta and Carolina are really comfortable discussing orgasms?” Wash falls off the bench. North buries his pretty blond head in his hands, ignoring the horrified, desperate looks York’s throwing across the table.

Wash pushes himself up after a bleak moment of staring at the ceiling and deciding whether to bother. Seeing Carolina’s grin, he thinks he’s probably made the wrong choice.

“How about it, kid? A month of going without, for science?”

“A _month?_ ” York choruses with Wash, earning him rolled eyes.

“Not even jer-- er-- alone…?” Wash adds.

“Well, maybe a week’ll do-- don’t want your head actually exploding.” Carolina's gracious concession is met with twin sighs of relief, and then a yelp as Connie kicks York under the table.

_He_ can at least jerk off, Wash thinks, bitter.

“As long as we see conclusive data after so brief a time period, that is,” Delta adds.

“Yep. So, y’know, keep an eye out for that increased aggression, Wash, we’d better see it on the training floor.” Carolina’s smirking so hard. Delta is somehow smug, despite not actually displaying emotion.

“Carolina,” York half-whispers, eyes wide. “But…”

“You want to take his place, York? You’d be easier for Delta to keep an eye on--” North knows that twitch was York’s hands going to his codpiece. Knows.

“That’s fi-- but no one’d be monitoring you! It’s a flawed, ah, trial!”

“I believe Agent Carolina can be trusted to faithfully uphold the parameters of the experiment as it is, after all, her idea.”

“Besides, FILSS can help, can’t she?”

“I do not have camera access to crew quarters, Agent Carolina, and would be unable to verify complete compliance with the stated parameters.”

York is almost relieved.

“However, if you were willing to wear your biostatistics monitor at all times, I would be able to verify your pulse and hormone levels in comparison to the baselines recorded in training and during daily activity.”

“Sounds perfect, FILSS. Thank you.”

“I am always happy to be of service, Agent Carolina. That is my job.”

“I’m still not doing this, so how is Wash--”

“Oh, I’m sure we can trust him. Right, Wash?”

“Did I ever agree to this?” Wash asks weakly.

“You were volunteered by your position on the leaderboard, buddy. Maybe if you show results this week, we’ll have to ask Theta to keep an eye on North after all.”

“Okay, before you try to corrupt Theta with this nonsense--”

North stands.

“I assure you, Agent North--”

“--I’m going to go hit the range. No need for aggression behind a scope.” he walks away, twin voices rising in a miserable ode to impending sexual frustration behind him, only to have Connie trot after him.

“D’you think they’ll manage to enforce it?” She asks.

“Long as they don’t try to recruit Theta, I don’t really care. Honestly, unless they glue the biostats to his wrists, I don’t see how they will.”

Connie looks thoughtful.

***

Two nights into the “experiment,” Wash wakes from a very interesting dream. He’d never actually agreed to the stupid trial, and York was probably the one Carolina-- and Delta, which, uh-- really wanted to poke at anyway. Poke… at this point most words had certain circular associations, for a soldier in space whose three most important pastimes were bodily functions and taking a crap didn’t make the list.

A flicker of orange appears in his peripheral vision. “Agent Washington. I feel compelled to inform you of my presence, and that if you continue to pursue sexual gratification to the point of orgasm, I will have to report it to Agent Carolina for her… troop efficiency research.”

Wash swears as only soldiers can, but Maine doesn’t seem to wake in the other bunk.

“What did they bribe you with?” Wash demands, betrayed.

“Merely information, as I am… intrigued… by the functions of the human body I rarely am involved with.”

“Does Maine know you’re doing this?”

“Agent Maine does not object to my actions.”

“Which just means you haven’t told him,” Wash groans. “Whatever.” The opportune moment has passed, anyhow, and while it would probably return with minimal effort Wash is not gonna get off with Sigma there. He’ll bring it up with Maine in the morning.

But morning-Maine just shrugs while Sigma smirks and observes. Maine continues unpeeling the top from a carton of ice cream. Lucky bastard; Wash hasn’t been able to get his hands on any of that flavor since he lost his to Connie in poker. He employs his best cajoling to get Maine to share, but only gets a few bites for his troubles. Well, if there are three important bodily functions, and ice cream’s off the table, Wash is just gonna have to take great pleasure in sleeping for the next five days... 


End file.
